“Grief is like the ocean, it comes in waves, ebbing and flowing.
Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming.
All we can do is learn to swim.”
Today should have been one of the most joyous days of our lives. Today should have meant grabbing our too-full overnight bag, stuffed with your first outfits, snuggle blankies, diapers, and pacifiers, loading it all into the car with your carseats already strapped snugly into the back seat, heading to the hospital to meet you. I should have been having to deal with the mix of anxiety and excitement of being admitted to labor and delivery, taking our last “belly shot” photos, and settling into a hospital bed, waiting for the contractions to come full-force, indicating your impending arrival.
Today should have meant hearing your first tiny cries as you took your first breaths, being welcomed and celebrated by family and friends as you made your entrance into this world. Today should have meant looking into your tiny eyes in awe and wonderment, your getting showered in kisses and snuggles from your Daddy and me, and starting our journey as new parents.
Instead, today was just another uneventful day. But it was full of signs and symbols from you, letting me know you’re still here. I woke up with the song “My Immortal” by Evanescence running in a loop in my head. I found a necklace I’ve never seen before on my dresser, with various pink pearls and tiny pink disks dotting the circumference of it. Des’Ree’s song “You Gotta Be” was playing in the car as I drove to work, reminding me that I needed to “listen as the day unfolds, challenge what the future holds, and try to keep [my] head up to the sky”. Much like the ebb and flow of my grief since you left, today began as a dark, overcast day – the first we’ve had in weeks – but as the day wore on, the sun managed briefly to poke through the clouds, in the midst of the drizzle.
These last nine months have flashed by in a blur. You were here for only a moment, but you left indelible impressions on us. Happy birth day, babies. We love you. We miss you.