Disappearing Buns In My Oven

My husband and I took a huge gamble this summer…and once again, like most overly-optimistic Vegas patrons, we lost. Having exhausted the 3 major fertility clinics in Colorado (and no longer being able to afford them at $24-36k PER TRY with IVF anyway), we quietly snuck off to a beautiful clinic in Syracuse, New York,…

An Open Letter To The (in)Fertile Sisterhood

Dear (in)Fertile Sister, In honor of National Infertility Awareness Week… It’s a huge, silent sorority that none of us ever wanted to be part of; one in which many never publicly claim membership. Despite the unfortunate commonality of infertility (affecting an estimated 1 in 8 couples of childbearing age), there remains a heavy, dark cloud…

An Open Letter To My Fertile Friends

Dear Fertile Friends, To you who have never been personally touched or directly impacted by the burden of infertility, please know that I see you. I envy the fact that you can conceive so easily, naturally, without all of the expensive and invasive tests and treatments I’ve endured for so many years. What I wouldn’t…

Identity Lost

I’ve been “infertile” so long that it seems I’ve forgotten how to be anything else. I’ve forgotten how to be a good wife, a good daughter, a good big sister. Aunt. Friend. Housekeeper. Baker. Writer. Painter. Manager. Support system. Lately, it seems that I – quite frankly – suck at fulfilling every last one of…

Happy Birth Day, Babies

“Grief is like the ocean, it comes in waves, ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” –Vicki Harrison Today should have been one of the most joyous days of our lives. Today should have meant grabbing our too-full overnight bag, stuffed…

37 Weeks

37 weeks. That’s how long I’d have been able to feel you grow under my heart as of this moment if the both of you hadn’t grown wings and decided not to stay with us. We were SO excited to see what would turn out to be your first and only pictures…two beautiful, near-perfect little…

Selfishness Required…

It’s utterly important to be selfish sometimes. Yes, I said selfish. No, I’m not condoning truly ugly, douchecanoe-like behavior; I’m talking about recognizing your own needs and wants so you can fill your own cup before allowing others to drink from your overflow. It’s ok – even necessary – to do what’s best for YOU…

The Disease Called Perfection

Epiphanies tend to come at weird times, when their associated topics are the last thing on your mind. Such was the case a few weeks ago. As I was in the kitchen washing dishes one night, I was struck with a huge revelation, out of the clear blue sky: I’ve spent my entire life focused…

You’re Not Forgotten

Mother’s Day is usually a joyful time. For millions of women around the world, it is a time of treats, spa days, handmade or store-bought gifts given by little hands, and breakfast in bed. A time for celebration, relaxation, and honor for those blessed with (living) children. But for 1 in 8 women who struggle…